Writer and transgender activitst, Santa Khurai, begins her memoir with a poem that tells the story of a yellow sparrow. The sparrow, born with yellow feathers, was a matter of concern for her mother because of its unusual colour. Her mother often tried to pluck her yellow feathers. The sparrow protested with the urge to be free and fly like other sparrows but her desire was met with discouragement from everywhere. Ostracised from the rest of the flock for being yellow, the sparrow grew on her own, without love and support, but with the strength of her unique yellowness. The yellow that society tried to scrub off from her slowly became her identity.
The memoir, The Yellow Sparrow, culminates in the deep desire of this unique sparrow to tell her story to the world and pour all her pain in the pages of her diary. Khurai tells us "I had a very difficult time within the family, with the neighbors, and even within the community. There were times when I felt really low and even depressed, and there were no people to listen to my stories. One way to release all those negative vibes was to write them down. I used to maintain a diary where I wrote all the things that happened every day. I continued writing until my college time. Then, there was a time that I thought of recollecting all those memories and also converting them into a memoir. So that, when I shall die someday, I would continue living."
Khurai's collection of memories converged her personal as well as the public history of Manipur. Hailing from a small village in Manipur, Khurai lived her life devoid of acceptance from the Manipuri society as well as the transgender community. Not only that, she share the life of a transwoman under political turmoil and in army controlled areas. Her identity adds a much-needed perspective to the conversations in queer community, she explains, "I faced a lot of intersectional issues. Number one is my geographic location, and the second thing is my racial identity, which many Indians are not aware of. They call me with offensive names and treat me in a different way, which makes me feel left out in many of the queer and trans spaces domestically. Even on the international level, somehow when people say India, they are not able to understand the diversity that exists in India. The typical identity that the international community considers to be a real Indian is people with brown color, big eyes, and a long nose. So my location is always at the periphery, and it's very difficult to make people understand that I'm also from India, both domestically and internationally. Another challenge is coming from a conflicted background. It's very difficult to address the issues faced by the community because our issues are not just about advocating for the rights of transgender people. We have a lot of internalized issues and are an integral part of all these struggles. When trying to narrate all these stories, many queer and trans people find it difficult to relate to the other narratives." She recounts detailed encounters of her childhood and teenage years with queerness, from "homo" friends, seeing queerness on screen in Western movies and learning to dress up like heroines, to questioning people who harrased her—all the intricate stories that led her to represent the voice of her people on national and international levels.
Despite several police beatings, harassment, heartbreaks and discriminations within and outside the queer community, Khurai embraced her "yellowness" and did not succumb to the norms of the society. "I have been unfit everywhere. I have been unfit in the queer platforms. I've been unfit in Manipur society. I've been unfit in my family. The beauty of the prologue [of the memoir] is even though there is no sparrow in yellow color, the sparrow was born in yellow color and she celebrates her that aspect and it's conveying a kind of courage to the people who feel different and also who are treated differently by other people, telling that being different is a pride."
The memoir, The Yellow Sparrow, culminates in the deep desire of this unique sparrow to tell her story to the world and pour all her pain in the pages of her diary. Khurai tells us "I had a very difficult time within the family, with the neighbors, and even within the community. There were times when I felt really low and even depressed, and there were no people to listen to my stories. One way to release all those negative vibes was to write them down. I used to maintain a diary where I wrote all the things that happened every day. I continued writing until my college time. Then, there was a time that I thought of recollecting all those memories and also converting them into a memoir. So that, when I shall die someday, I would continue living."
Khurai's collection of memories converged her personal as well as the public history of Manipur. Hailing from a small village in Manipur, Khurai lived her life devoid of acceptance from the Manipuri society as well as the transgender community. Not only that, she share the life of a transwoman under political turmoil and in army controlled areas. Her identity adds a much-needed perspective to the conversations in queer community, she explains, "I faced a lot of intersectional issues. Number one is my geographic location, and the second thing is my racial identity, which many Indians are not aware of. They call me with offensive names and treat me in a different way, which makes me feel left out in many of the queer and trans spaces domestically. Even on the international level, somehow when people say India, they are not able to understand the diversity that exists in India. The typical identity that the international community considers to be a real Indian is people with brown color, big eyes, and a long nose. So my location is always at the periphery, and it's very difficult to make people understand that I'm also from India, both domestically and internationally. Another challenge is coming from a conflicted background. It's very difficult to address the issues faced by the community because our issues are not just about advocating for the rights of transgender people. We have a lot of internalized issues and are an integral part of all these struggles. When trying to narrate all these stories, many queer and trans people find it difficult to relate to the other narratives." She recounts detailed encounters of her childhood and teenage years with queerness, from "homo" friends, seeing queerness on screen in Western movies and learning to dress up like heroines, to questioning people who harrased her—all the intricate stories that led her to represent the voice of her people on national and international levels.
Despite several police beatings, harassment, heartbreaks and discriminations within and outside the queer community, Khurai embraced her "yellowness" and did not succumb to the norms of the society. "I have been unfit everywhere. I have been unfit in the queer platforms. I've been unfit in Manipur society. I've been unfit in my family. The beauty of the prologue [of the memoir] is even though there is no sparrow in yellow color, the sparrow was born in yellow color and she celebrates her that aspect and it's conveying a kind of courage to the people who feel different and also who are treated differently by other people, telling that being different is a pride."
Writing this memoir not only was a futher celebration of her "yellowness" but it also provided a sense of relief to Khurai. She says, "I might not be a good writer, but I love writing. When I write, I feel relief. When I write something and I feel emotional or kind of nostalgic, I relive those moments. It requires a lot of emotion to reflect on the incidents of your life. That's why I write."
To fight for yourself is an act of tremendous courage. Khurai tells us about how not only she fought for transgender rights but also actively talked about the failure of establishments and lack of peace in Manipur. Her identity forged an essential discussion on issues of intersectionality and taking pride in it. Her memoir acts as an important document of Manipur's history, of many lives that were pushed to margins and of Khurai's personal history that charted out as a powerful narrative for the queer people. Khurai says, "This memoir tells that even though I faced violence and harassment, still I am an integral part of the society like many transgender people are. My memoir I think would be a very good example of how to bring an inclusive society."
Words Paridhi Badgotri
Date 20.12.2023